warm and fuzzy

it's almost 2am and i should be sleeping but the 2 hr nap i took at 9pm seemed to have given me some energy to stay awake. if not i would have concussed already.

training this morning was a biaatttchh. 8 freaking rounds!!no wait. 9 freaking rounds and 7 porteges!!! because miss annabelle ng xiang ru counted wrongly. and so did her equally bad-in-maths partner. BLEH. we even did more porteges than the guys. HOW CAN. ok that aside it was slightly more than the actual distance so maybe it isn't such a bad thing. just that it's seriously pure torture to the brain. it's situations like that that requires perserverance and i'm not very good in that i think. never in my life have i paddled 28.8km. let alone run. sometimes i wonder why i put myself through this shit. i feel like all my life i'm living in some sort of a competitive environment, everything i do i'm always pacing myself with people. ok i don't think i'm even pacing. i find myself trying to outdo everyone around me. it's not a deliberate attempt but just some sort of gauge i give myself to assess my own performance. and maybe to test my limits. hur hur i'm pretty much a sadist at times. not that i'm a perfectionist but i think i set high expectations for myself and when i don't meet them sometimes i tend to get uber demoralized. and i find myself analyzing too much but never coming up with solutions why things fail. but thank goodness i get over things pretty quickly. i just need to whine and kao beh and i'm done. but then again i dunno if it's healthy to be like that. in some ways i get to push myself past limits that i never thought i could, but yet the demoralizing factor is just....not very encouraging sometimes. maybe i should just put aside everything and SLACK. not that i dun slack la. but i rather see it as, if i dun see a need to, i don't really wanna waste my effort putting in energy. and there's this thing about people's expectations of me too. i HATE it. like, leave me alone already.

that said, it also doesn't mean i have to be the best all the time. there's always someone better than u out there. in fact, i think it's good to have someone who's at a higher level than u. it means there's still room for improvement and for u to push urself instead of remaining stagnant. like for trainings now, i've no qualms about belle n lesley being the faster pair. it kinda motivates me to push myself and to see how much we improve each training. and i shall prove to everyone that size doesn't matter. muahaha. that sounds sick. hur hur. ok la i do have my moods. i'm not that garang. sometimes i just feel damn sian n i rather nua. hee :p

it kinda got me thinking about my past r/ship with keen. i just wanted everything to be perfect and 'last as long as we could'. to the point when i tried seeing past recurring problems without really solving it and when it comes to crunch time, everything just collaspe. i really hope this doesn't happen with jeremy. things have been great. like really good. indescribable in fact. every moment spent with him is like being transported into this little world of our own. like creating this bubble around us and nothing else really matters. such bliss. but then again, it's too soon to tell. this could be what everyone calls the honeymoon period. ok i'm not being a cynic here. i'm just being practical.

last night we took a slow walk around his neighbourhood. quite romantic actually. pretty cooling plus there was a gigantic full moon above us. we started talking a little about the future. for me, i don't really like looking too much into the future coz i have this fear of expecting too much and then when shit happens and things fail, i won't be able to take it. it's the demoralizing phobia that i have i tell u. yet with jeremy it feels somewhat different. he seems so sure and reassuring about the future that it's pretty comforting to know how much thought he's putting into this r/ship :)

yesterday i forgot my shoes for training and he actually offered to drive all the way to my place n pick up my shoes. how sweet is that? and today he bought me a rash guard. it was meant to be a surprise actually. i admit i was surprised albeit a little reluctant at first coz i thought it would be a waste of money for a one time event. but he convinced me that i should own one and now i got a cool, black quiksilver rash guard :) i love my sweetie.

btw there's this blogsearch thingy where you type ur name and all the blogs that has ur name in it will appear. and we found out that there's this canoeist that has a major crush on jeremy. she's like stalking him at macritchie and kallang and taking secret photos of him and putting it as her wallpaper or screen saver or whatever. hur hur. it's freaking hilarious.

.... and i'm pretty sure that no one know of my new blog, coz its a new address and it has got a password to it. so unless the person is damn smart to hack into my account and knows its mine, then i don't think anyone close to me knows of this blog of mine.

oh man. i guess it just means that i'm genius la. hahaha. she privitized her blog and a password is required to access her entries. i dunno why but i just manage to hack into it. and no, the password isn't jeremy. hur hur. am i smart or wat? wheeee. apparently she thinks he has been bio-ing her too. damn funny sia. it's probably his short sightedness so the whole world thinks he's bio-ing. tsk. see see. that's what happens when u don't wear ur glasses. vanity will only lead to misunderstanding. ahaha. ok i feel kinda bad invading into her privacy. but seriously, there's no such thing as a private blog. when u choose to blog online, be prepared to undergo public scrutiny. u want it to be confidential? choose the traditional diary instead.

actually i saw the marathon coach, poh soon after training on saturday. but i didn't get to see my stares, think i heard him telling the other coach that they went to run. was thinking, is it fate that i do not get to see him even though he is right here at kallang and i got to see his car. guess this is fated and its meant to be, hai, i must learn to let go and forget about him.

my stares ???is that her pet name for him? omfg it's damn funny sia. she's like totally into him. and she can even recognize his car. i can't even do that sometimes. ok but that's just the sotong in me.

hai. still feeling kinda sad that my stares has got someone else in his heart, and he looks really happy in his team photo. but really its no one fault, coz nothing happened at all in the first place. no one is to be blamed for this kind of ending, coz i didn't put my heart in as a stake in this game. so there is really nothing to gamble with. however, i do feel broken hearted coz i liked him, this is just a one-sided affair that has got no ending at all. really, this is no one's fault, all i can do now is to forget about him, and get on with my life and pretend nothing ever happened, coz in the first place nothing happened at all. i wish him all the best and may he have found the girl of his life. hai.

sigh. so sad right. i feel bad when i read it. ok i really gotta stop feeling bad or guilty. i'm seriously not responsible for anyone's feeling. STOP IT.

then again, isn't it weird to feel so much for someone whom you don't even know personally? is that even possible? won't it be just purely a crush or infatuation? the fact that she's actually broken hearted is kinda mind boggling. how can ur heart be broken by someone that u never had contact with, much less exchanged words.

oh well. it's still pretty gracious of her to wish him all the best. at least she didn't say stuff like that bitch!!!!i hope she burns in hell for stealing away my stares and start cursing my mother my father my brother my friends etc.

that would have been pretty funny.

ok i realized i have loads of work to do and catch up on. but yet there's this inertia holding me back. i need stress to get me going. how weird. and my period's due tmr but i don't feel anything. except for the occasional moodiness. it's really subtle. i don't like show it but i get irritable really easily. and my pimple outbreak is starting to annoy me. when it appears on my forehead i'm not really bothered coz there's always my good ol' trusty fringe to hide them. but lately it's breaking out near my mouth. it's like i'm punished for eating too much. and mind u, i do clean my mouth after eating ok. damn periods. i'm getting cranky for it not coming. i wanna just get it over and done with.

bahhhh. i need my daily dosage of jeremy sun ming fa :(

and i miss liyan and lam. booohoo. jerm told me that lam told him not to bully me and to take good care of me. how schwweeeettt. and liyan seemed to be pmsing too. WOMAAANN. i still love you!! here's a virtual hug for u *HUGZ* :)

anyway, she seemed rather sad that she's always searching for the right guy to come along. but life's such an irony. the more u want something, the more it won't happen. it's like murphy's law. i think we should just sit back and relax instead of actively searching. then again she's like damn choosy too la (YOU ARE LOR.) tsk. but don't worry, u're such a sweet girl any guy will be lucky to have u :) the more u expect the greater are the chances of being disappointed. it's when u least expect it then u'll find urself enjoying the moment when it actually happens.

craps i really need to sleep. yay brazilian wax tmr by myself. i'm such an independent woman.ok la i admit it's more of no choice coz stupid nio went ahead w/out me.

and the stupid forum postings are pissing me off. what's with people and cheemology. it's the quality of what u write u shitheads, not the quantity or the bombastic words u use. this isn't GP class. and i can't stand pple who make sweeping statements based on no logic or reasonings. where are your examples or evidences dude. not that i'm damn up to date but i don't make assumptions without relevance.

ok SLEEEP.