lost soul.

disclaimer: this entry is written out of pure ramblings flowing out of my head. if it strikes a sensitive spot in anyone, pls do not get offended and just chill.

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i've been feeling rather aimless of late. like this lost, wandering soul, not knowing where to go.

and when this happens, it usually comes along with symptoms of irritabilty, unpredictable tempers and frequent tantrums. and who should suffer but the poor bf.

that aside, i can't explain this irrational moodswings that have been going on. maybe it's the thought of stepping out of comfort zone into a future of uncertainty. and the looming transition that is about to take place in a week's plus time is starting to take its toll on me.

having to close the canoeing chapter is a mixture of dread and yet relief. on one hand, i feel like i've accomplished enough in the past year or so with the numerous medals on my shelf (i'm still missing my plaque from Taiwan). yet on the other, there's this sense of not wanting to let go.
but hanging out with the canoeing peeps lately seemed to knock some sense into my head, that i should stop clinging and move on.

drama right. but yeah, all good things must come to an end.

just the other day after training, the nat team coach was telling us girls about his plans and all, how he wants to train up 6 girls and yadah yadah, and everyone seemed so excited that i felt out of place, sticking out like this sore thumb. i think worse than that. maybe sticking out like the wart on peiying's thumb. even when i'm out with the team, somehow or rather, no matter what topic the conversation is on, it ends up veering towards canoeing matters.

big fat yawn. now u people will know why i start zoning out. simply cos it doesn't matter to me anymore. and when i ask a random question pertaining to the topic that i have no clue on, a certain person likes to ask me "where have you been??!", it pisses the shit out of me.

DUH. i've been zoning out instead of listening to u yak la, then where. i have other things on my mind other than canoeing stuff too, just so you know.

so anyway, it makes me feel kinda detached too when that happens, knowing that canoeing will soon be a once-upon-a-time issue for me.

and i miss graham and the marathon team, where everybody's like this big happy family (not that the newly merged team is a sad family), where we can linger on after training and play around, where everything is so free and easy. i never understood how some people felt when boris left, but now i do, with the change in team dynamics and organization, and missing a fatherly figure to watch over us.

or maybe it's this state of limbo, that i'm neither here nor there, that's making me feel detached. i can't commit to nat team and i can't possibly train with the NUS team forever too when i start becoming sluggish and turtles at macritchie reservoir can lap me.

oh well.

work hasn't started and i'm thinking too much already. i'm still in the midst of revising my resume though. hurr. yah lar i'm greedy. got job still sending out resumes. i just feel like i deserve much more than the job i accepted. i'm just gonna continue sending out resumes even though i've sign the contract. call me selfish, call me biatch, call me unethical, but who cares. its my life, not yours.

and i feel sick. i really do think the hives are lowering my immune system. every morning i wake up feeling lethargic. doing housework is no easy feat too. i shall learn to appreciate my future maid.

cycled from east coast to changi village and back this morning. freaking gross. it was fun going there, but cycling back with butt aching and leg cramping is so not funny. we're no enpingys maann.

sighhhhhh.

PMS sucks.

at least i THINK it's PMS.

oh well. i guess it's not all that bad.

at the end of everything, i'm glad i have a pair of long, open arms to run towards to for a big, fat hug.

but for now, that pair of long, open arms is at home doing a write up on his ergo study. so i shall indulge in some kit kats and silly channel 8 drama in the meantime. i think tay ping hui is hot.