hmmm.

i wonder.

if the latest entry keen wrote abt the person he hates the most was referring to me. oh well.

this whole saga is kinda mentally draining. all the back forth blaming and accusations and hatred for each other. gao says the easiest way of getting over someone is to hate the person. maybe this might just make it easier for the both of us to let go?

sigh.

i dunno wat's the whole issue about.

some guy chasing me? or issit just coz it's jeremy? or me not trusting him?

i'm just damn confused with all these accusations thrown in my direction la. so wat exactly is he upset/pissed about i just dunno. at the end of it, he just seemed so bent on wanting to hurt me, to see me get hurt.

it just goes round in a circle that at the end of it, i dunno what's the main point. n then he says i'm double standard. that i din let him move on. that he waited 6 mths. and that i'm moving on.

huh?

how can i not let him move on when he already has a gf? n then he tells me it's too late when i wanted to work things out. n then few days ago he told me he might wanna break up with her coz he thinks it's not fair. i somemore told him don't be irrational and if it's really affecting his r/ship i'll just step out n not meet him for the time being. is that not letting him move on?? geez.

n the whole deal abt the 6mths. so do i have to wait for him 6 mths b4 i can move on myself to equalize things so he can feel more justified?

i just don't get it. i remember yoke telling me that keen thinks im holding back and not really moving on coz i thought he's still waiting for me. so this lydia is like a decoy so i can move on officially. then now he has a problem with me moving on when he's attached to lydia.

n he's so worked up i didn't believe him jeremy likes me. sometimes its not that i dun wanna believe. i mean for what? like then like la. don't like then don't like la. does it even matter? he thinks every tom dick and harry is interested in me anyway so how does it matter whether an extra jeremy likes me.

and he thinks i'm materialistic. frankly, i think everybody is materialistic. just to what extent of materialism one possesses. sure, i like being able to afford the things i like. but i don't demand that my other half to be able to afford the things i like too. i'm like my mom in some ways. money's important, but make sure that the money u spent comes from urself and not someone else's. so that's a different kind of materialism. it's like saying, i like money, but it doesn't mean i have to like someone with money.

see? and he thinks i'm interested in jeremy coz he thinks jeremy is rich n drives a car. dat's so bloody nonsensical and typical of him to think i'm that shallow. so i'm considered above average. does that mean keen is materialistic too by being with me? his argument is damn flawed la. firstly, doesn't mean a guy's family is rich means he will be rich in the future. unless he's gonna live off his parents. and i don't respect any guy who does that. and it doesn't mean being a doctor means will be rich in the future too. sure, u're guaranteed a job but it depends what you specialize in also wat. plus he has to pay off his sch fees n pay his dad back for the car when he starts earning money. even he himself said that he'll be a very poor man when he starts working. so if i really go for jeremy, its so darn wrong to say it's all about the money man. if i ever go for him, it's coz i respect his capability to work his ass off to pay his parents back. geez. and pls, if anything, i think engineers earn a great deal of money too.

every profession is good in their own ways. and i don't see why keen as an engineer himself is feeling inferior to a doctor to be. every profession is respectable to me and sometimes it's not the amt of money u earn that matters. it's the passion u put into it and the satisfaction u get out of it. i think it's just so freaking sterotypical to say doctors or even lawyers earn damn alot. and i'm fucking pissed he thinks i'm materialistic in the wrong sense. he doesn't know me at all. when i spend money i make sure it's my own money. even in the future i'm not gonna live off my husband and stay home and be a tai tai. sure, the sound of being a tai tai is tempting. but seriously, it's damn boring and unsatisfactory. i like moving around. i wanna work and meet people and get exposure and learn new things. which means i will spend only my own hard earned money and not anybody else's. it's just more satisfying earning your own income and spending it.

and when i was with keen i never demanded anything expensive from him. i rather the gifts come from the heart which was why i was really touched when he puts so much thought in making presents for me. the vday last yr was really the best la. his room was decorated with hearts hanging from the ceiling and i was really touched.

for me, when it comes to love, it's not the money that matters, it's the heart that matters.

yes, damn cheesy. but oh so true. material needs/wants and love are totally separate entities and i am not as shallow as to mix them togther.

i choose a man coz of his love for me not coz of my love for his money.

geeez. after 4 yrs does he really think i'm that shallow? sheeesh.

it doesn't bug me that some pple sees me this way. i can't really blame them coz sometimes i know i'm quite extravagrant when it comes to buying clothes (esp shorts and slippers and bags). but he being with me for 4 yrs should noe me better.

oh well. let him think wat he wanna think. he's so full of angst that it scares me sometimes. as much as he hates me, i think i shall just let him cool down. its just sad to have someone u care so much for hate u so much. i still do want him as a friend coz after all he did leave a footprint in my life and went through so much together.

sigh.